The 2007 Idiot of the Year Awards
And The Winner Is...
The Envelope Please... (yes, the word is intentionally misspelled!)
Well, after another fantastic year of OFF/beat idiocy, I'd like to thank the thousands of you who cast your votes and the 10 nominees for pushing the boundaries of common sense. After vastly higher than expected vote totals, one candidate emerged on top: Matt Wilkinson.
But I am suspicious of these results -- especially since the totals kept changing even after the polls were closed at 1:45 p.m. today -- so I am declaring the winner: former Judge Roy Pearson, who held the lead overnight before voting irregularities became apparent. (Don't worry, I'm calling Katherine Harris to investigate.) Without further ado, then:
2007 Idiot of the Year: Former Judge Roy L. Pearson of Washington. This former administrative court judge exemplifies everything that the award stands for. Demonstrating worse judgment than a 15-year-old at Mardis Gras, he sued his neighborhood dry cleaner for $54 million over a pair of lost pants. His streak continued when he turned down settlement offers for as much as $12,000 (the pants were worth $395, according to Pearson's expert witness). Pearson spent two years and squandered his admittedly limited funds building up a case against two hard-working Korean immigrants. Stubbornly persisting against logic, reason and common decency, he pursued his lawsuit to the D.C. Superior Court, where he broke down in tears while describing how much those trousers had meant to him. Despite public ridicule and international disdain, Pearson never yielded, fighting for reasons no one quite understood and in the process losing everything. Congratulations, Mr. Pearson.
Silver Medal: Matt Wilkinson of Portland, Ore. Wilkinson's case was made in September, when he tried to impress his girlfriend by putting a 20-inch rattlesnake into his mouth after downing a six-pack of beer. While neither she nor the doctors who treated his tongue were impressed, our judges certainly were. Fine work, Mr. Wilkinson.
Bronze Medal: Ewa Sowinska of Poland. The country's "watchdog" over kiddie affairs, she kept the spirit of Jerry Falwell alive by launching an investigation into whether Tinky Winky, the purse-carrying Teletubby, might be a harbinger of a homosexual lifestyle. After a few days of international ridicule she was forced to scuttle the plan, but her bronze medal will forever be a testament to this shining moment in Polish history.
Individual Awards
The 2007 Kwaltz Award for "Bumbling Bureaucracy" goes to the state of Illinois for issuing a firearm owner's ID card to a 10-month-old. According to the card, Bubba Ludwig is two-feet-three-inches tall and weighs 20 pounds. Although he cannot yet purchase weapons, because he has a card, his family doesn't need to keep its guns in a secure location.
Silver Medal: The Westchester County (N.Y.) Library for requiring a grieving daughter to fork over a lousy 50 cents on her dead mother's overdue book. Elizabeth Schaper said she was "stunned" when the clerk insisted she pay up. "I told him that maybe he didn't hear me right, that my mother had just died, otherwise I'm sure that she would have returned it on time. "His only reply was, 'That will be 50 cents.'"
Bronze Medal: Dane County (Wisc.) prosecutor Paul Humphrey, who according to a Wisconsin State Journal investigation kept 18-year-old Kenneth Bell in county jail for a month "even though he was sent notification at least four times that the wrong person was being held."
The I Didn't Do It Award for Worst Excuse of 2007 was extremely competitive. After difficult deliberations, I have decided to award this year's top prize to Florida State Rep. Bob Allen for his bizarre excuse for soliciting gay sex in a public restroom. The Republican told police that it was his fear of being surrounded by black people that prompted him hand over $20 to perform oral sex on an undercover officer. After being found guilty of solicitation, Allen tendered his resignation in November.
So that's it for 2007 Idiot of the Year Awards. Thanks to everyone for your help and participation. Let's hope 2008 is as idiotic as this year!
And The Winner Is...
The Envelope Please... (yes, the word is intentionally misspelled!)
Well, after another fantastic year of OFF/beat idiocy, I'd like to thank the thousands of you who cast your votes and the 10 nominees for pushing the boundaries of common sense. After vastly higher than expected vote totals, one candidate emerged on top: Matt Wilkinson.
But I am suspicious of these results -- especially since the totals kept changing even after the polls were closed at 1:45 p.m. today -- so I am declaring the winner: former Judge Roy Pearson, who held the lead overnight before voting irregularities became apparent. (Don't worry, I'm calling Katherine Harris to investigate.) Without further ado, then:
2007 Idiot of the Year: Former Judge Roy L. Pearson of Washington. This former administrative court judge exemplifies everything that the award stands for. Demonstrating worse judgment than a 15-year-old at Mardis Gras, he sued his neighborhood dry cleaner for $54 million over a pair of lost pants. His streak continued when he turned down settlement offers for as much as $12,000 (the pants were worth $395, according to Pearson's expert witness). Pearson spent two years and squandered his admittedly limited funds building up a case against two hard-working Korean immigrants. Stubbornly persisting against logic, reason and common decency, he pursued his lawsuit to the D.C. Superior Court, where he broke down in tears while describing how much those trousers had meant to him. Despite public ridicule and international disdain, Pearson never yielded, fighting for reasons no one quite understood and in the process losing everything. Congratulations, Mr. Pearson.
Silver Medal: Matt Wilkinson of Portland, Ore. Wilkinson's case was made in September, when he tried to impress his girlfriend by putting a 20-inch rattlesnake into his mouth after downing a six-pack of beer. While neither she nor the doctors who treated his tongue were impressed, our judges certainly were. Fine work, Mr. Wilkinson.
Bronze Medal: Ewa Sowinska of Poland. The country's "watchdog" over kiddie affairs, she kept the spirit of Jerry Falwell alive by launching an investigation into whether Tinky Winky, the purse-carrying Teletubby, might be a harbinger of a homosexual lifestyle. After a few days of international ridicule she was forced to scuttle the plan, but her bronze medal will forever be a testament to this shining moment in Polish history.
Individual Awards
The 2007 Kwaltz Award for "Bumbling Bureaucracy" goes to the state of Illinois for issuing a firearm owner's ID card to a 10-month-old. According to the card, Bubba Ludwig is two-feet-three-inches tall and weighs 20 pounds. Although he cannot yet purchase weapons, because he has a card, his family doesn't need to keep its guns in a secure location.
Silver Medal: The Westchester County (N.Y.) Library for requiring a grieving daughter to fork over a lousy 50 cents on her dead mother's overdue book. Elizabeth Schaper said she was "stunned" when the clerk insisted she pay up. "I told him that maybe he didn't hear me right, that my mother had just died, otherwise I'm sure that she would have returned it on time. "His only reply was, 'That will be 50 cents.'"
Bronze Medal: Dane County (Wisc.) prosecutor Paul Humphrey, who according to a Wisconsin State Journal investigation kept 18-year-old Kenneth Bell in county jail for a month "even though he was sent notification at least four times that the wrong person was being held."
The I Didn't Do It Award for Worst Excuse of 2007 was extremely competitive. After difficult deliberations, I have decided to award this year's top prize to Florida State Rep. Bob Allen for his bizarre excuse for soliciting gay sex in a public restroom. The Republican told police that it was his fear of being surrounded by black people that prompted him hand over $20 to perform oral sex on an undercover officer. After being found guilty of solicitation, Allen tendered his resignation in November.
So that's it for 2007 Idiot of the Year Awards. Thanks to everyone for your help and participation. Let's hope 2008 is as idiotic as this year!
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