Monday, March 14, 2011

In Pizza We Trust

Since the US Mint is apparently not going to be producing Silver Eagles anytime soon, they seeking public comment on what to do next. (See their public notice at the bottom of this post.) Oh boy, I see some fun here…
Here is my comment to coinmaterials@usmint.treas.gov.
Dear Sirs,
Since it is apparent that the US Mint will no longer be producing Silver Eagles, I would like to humbly suggest that the US Mint produce coins like the venerable Chuck E Cheese token. Short of bringing sound money back to this country, the Chuck E. Cheese token is the next best thing the US Mint could do to get America out of it’s funk. Seriously, think of it, the only other coin that gave me as much joy as a Proof 2005 Silver Eagle, was a Chuck E. Cheese token. When I was child hopped up on sugar and pizza, these Chuck E. Cheese tokens were the greatest thing ever. Now we have a once in a lifetime opportunity to spread that joy to the whole country.
The Chuck E. Cheese token reflects America much better than the Silver Eagle does anyway. The Silver Eagle represents old fashion stuff like Patriotism, Liberty, Honest Money, and a Belief in God. The Chuck E. Cheese token represents eating pizza, getting high on sugar, fun without consequences, playing video games until your hands cramp up, and working really hard for cheap Chinese toys. Honestly what do you think better represents America? Silver Eagles or Chuck E Cheese?
Oh, wait there is more…

The visionary Chuck E. Cheese Corporation realized they could force America to use these coins because they have a monopoly on the coin. The only way you could have the “American Dream” in the Chuck E. Cheese fun house, was to get screaming kids to beg Daddy to give up his real money for these tokens of fun. This is like America now, whoever screams the loudest, gets the most money from Uncle Sam.

The US Mint has a monopoly in the United States through legal tender laws. A quick refresher can be found here in Von Nothaus vs. US Mint. Through the use of force and government intimidation, the US Mint can force Americans to accept any coin a legal tender. So I suggest that we just cut to the chase and follow the Chuck E Cheese model.
First thing to do is to get rid of all of that barbarous relic materials like Gold, Silver and Platinum. I suggest using Aluminum since it is so readily available. If paper and digital entries can be money in America, why not the lightest of metals?
The US Mint should produce Aluminum coins with all sorts of values on them like 1¢, 5¢, 10¢ and 25¢. I think a really great idea is to not stop there and dream BIG.  You could make bigger coins like $1, $5, $10, $20, $50, $100, $1,000, $10,000, $100,000 $1,000,000,000 and on and on. Really there is no limit to the amount of zeros you could add on to this new coin. Look at what Moore’s Law has done for computing power. Think of the possibilities of the US Mint using nanotechnology to put more zeros on our money. Talk about American innovation at it’s best!!
I can see it now, the President of the United States unveiling a new zero on our Aluminum coin every month. That would be great press coverage for the US Mint. At that rate, you might have new reporters set up permanent offices inside of the US Mint. I could probably even get Charlie Sheen to be your official US Mint Press Secretary. He is winning!
As far as design for the new American coin, I would caution you not to veer too far off of the tried and true Chuck E Cheese token. Not only would this help America adjust to the new coin, because of 30 years of brand recognition. Americans could immediately spend it in their local Chuck E Cheese fun house and boost the economy.
I would keep the “In Pizza We Trust.” Only 18% of Americans go to church on a regular basis but 94% of Americans eat Pizza. That is a landslide win for Pizza over God.
I would keep the “Smile America” too. “Smile America” is just what this country needs right now. Inane marketing slogans always work in America. I mean Google laughably uses “Don’t Be Evil.”  E pluribus unum shunum. America can no longer speak English much less Latin.
I would also keep the rat. With all of the rats on Wall St and K Street that control America, this would make an excellent replacement to Lady Liberty.
If the Chuck E. Cheese model is successful, we could roll out a corporate sponsorship program. So instead of the 50 state quarters program, we could have 50 corporate powers program. I call dibs on the first Proof Monsanto Quarter!
The US Mint could color the coins with gold and silver colored lead paint. (I have a contact for the lead paint in China.) Actually, here is a brilliant idea; we should just have China make these coins too. Why do we need to make our money here anyway? Since they have all of our money, they should have a say in how we spend it right?
The US Mint could take this a step further. With all of this new money into circulation at Chuck E. Cheese, there is another way the US Mint can profit off of this once in a lifetime opportunity. Have you ever considered creating Gold colored tungsten bars are selling them Chuck E Cheese? It would give us Americans a huge perceived value to work really hard for, without a lot of cost to the US Mint. It sure would beat the big bear in a blue sweatshirt I won by scoring 1,538,053 points at Skee-Ball. (It’s up there in the top right corner of this picture.)
I am full of really great ideas and would be happy to do some high level consulting to help you through this transition period.
I come cheap. I only want to be paid in pizza, because “In Pizza I Trust.”

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